dear chau,
we made a promise last year that we will always try to be connected to the green, the water, the mountains, the desert, the sun and the moon. And here, i want to remind you that we were true to ourselves, each in her own way and sometimes together. the past year has been good, with all its changes, pains, loss, distractions, mundanity. It’s been good, because we tried and we were able to see and live beyond what exists. you said you wanted to walk, and you walked and walked in a way you never imagined. and you will walk more. i said i wanted to never be separated from the water, and this year i can admit that i have an obsessive love affair with the sea. when i am in it or in front of it, i no longer want or need anything or anyone. and i don’t want that to change but only to deepen. please try to look at these images one by one and see and feel us in there. i know you need more of that, i know you want to be in there permanently. i saw you in your fullest when you were in front of vastness and long stretches of everything. you will be.
we enter another year with a lot to be thankful for;
the unconditional love from our families and friends (especially our mothers)
our health (yes we are older and yes our bodies are heavier, and yes we have new danglings here and there that always seem strange when they first appear)
the new connections we’ve made and the old ones that remain or fly away
the support we get to be artists and mentors
the spaciousness and warmth of our homes
our cool crazy siblings
the ability to move
and the freedom to love
ola
amman
26.11.2018
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Dear ola
I just woke up with a start from a dream feeling a strong tightness in my chest and not without some disorientation. In the dream, we are in a car, mostly, did I just pick you up? But you were driving. You were telling me things, incidents, references to places and people but it made no sense to me. I said ola I do not understand what you are talking about? You talked of churches and Jerusalem related issues, you talked of your meetings and security officers. And then it dawns on me that you had been traveling. I say was it December 14th and 15th? And you say yes. And I say oh it was your trip to Kuwait and I completely missed it. I did not realize you were traveling. I realize how unfocused I am. How I am losing my grip on—would this be reality (I do not think I meant I was going crazy just seriously foggy in the head)—the everyday life, yours and what matters. I am so sorry and scared. I was sobbing so hard I think the physical aspect of the emotion woke me up. I immediately think how deep my anxiety is. I have to eat now because my session with the trainer is in one hour and 15 minutes.
chau
6.12.2018
