45

i turned 45

i confess, i had no idea that i would feel this way.

i feel solid, deep, full yet not too full, wise yet i know that i don’t know.

there is clarity, there is a sense of relief. relief from the burdens of pretending. i am who i am.

i have no fear from my power. my heart, and from now on, i will fly with it with pride.

i feel like never before.

i have no shame.

i confess I am in love with growing older.

i have no shame. nothing can and nothing will stop me. i will continue to be whom I want to be.

i have the desire to be who I am.

i no longer want to disappear.

at the age of 3 in the year 1977 in Kuwait, my father and i were driving to visit my aunt, we almost drowned in a water ditch. we were saved. the story i grew up with was that i was taken out from the window. i never understood why the window and not with my father when he left the car. i recently found this newsclip from the Kuwait Times while clearing a carton of childhood clutter, they do not mention me. i was erased. and this is when i thought, i will no longer try to disappear. never. i will remain present. i will feel every single moment with full attention and intention. i will appreciate every pee that I make.

Samah, my life witnesser, when i asked her to read my astrological chart today, relayed that it was time for me to step out of the shadows and into the light. i trust Samah, she has known me since i was 10. she knows my bad and good faces. she also saw that Beyoncé and i shared some similar chart placements. Samah, thank you for imagining that.

and according to my long time astrology reader, my dear brother Ghalib, in reference to this year he said “ it is intense, challenging and hard, yet it is the biggest learning year of your life, for at least the next 30 years. this year is like you are in a classroom, but the classroom is how you constructed it, you are learning the lessons of structure and power, there is something in your life this year that is about a complete shift.”

i feel it in my body. it is true, the shift is happening. my body is moving like never before.

sometimes it races ahead of me. it wants me to go beyond what i have known. it is asking me not to be afraid of what is coming, it is loving me more than i have dreamt of.

i was in the water yesterday, my eyes filled with tears. the fishe[s] saw me, three of them. i saw myself like i was just born, naked, ready to enter life.

i want to keep going deeper, depth is what I care for. anything else or less bores me to death.

ola